This divorce has been painful. We have both done things that were unnecessary and hurtful. I know I have.
I don’t know what the effects of the divorce were on Johannah. I suspect that many of my actions during the past year played into her whole victim theme. Like she said, I’m a bridge burner from way back and I’ll own that. Of course this comment comes from a woman that sued me for support and mental cruelty two days after she leaves a note on my pillow telling me the car is at the airport.
It’s fair to say we both burned bridges although I doubt she sees it that way. I digress.
I know that for me, divorce has left me cynical and angry. I have lost cherished friends and family. I’m stuck living in her dream of owning a house, and all the bills that go with it. I’m stuck here in Texas.
There’s a part of me that’s paralyzed. Johannah was my rudder. She was my guiding star. She was the dreamer of the operation. We both contributed when times were good and times were bad, but her key contribution was her love, kindness and her ability to dream.
I guess I never truly understood the intangibles Johannah brought to our marriage until she was gone. I wonder what her life is like now that she no longer has the skills I bring to the plate.
But the truth of the matter is we’ll both adapt and eventually be ok.
But I’m angry and I need to understand that anger to let it go.
I guess the reason I’m so angry is because I’m afraid; I’m without love and guidance. I’m without my partner and I’m alone. I’m angry because I was abandoned again. My dad left when I was a kid (he had gotten another woman pregnant) and I’ll be honest when I admit I’ve got serious abandonment issues.
Johannah walked away Scott free from our marriage and started fucking a hooker she had met a few days prior to leaving. The same woman she’s throwing her panties at today. She had identified a new person to enable / validate her and she was gone. Sorry, Sorry, my anger slipped back in.
I continue to grieve. My grief takes many shapes. I’ll be driving down the road and randomly think I miss my wife. I’ll be alone on a Friday night and wish we had saved our marriage.
As Gary used to say, “get to the point asshole”.
She’s gone and not coming back and all the anger in the world isn’t going to change that. So this anger isn’t helping me and I’ve got to let it go.
I’ve got to let the anger and suffering go and get on with my life.
Let me close with Woodja’s words here again:
If you move on with your life–which you seem to have started to do–then what have you actually lost? She appears to be moving on with her life as if she is not coming back, so why shouldn’t you? Make a list of reasons if you need to, but then make a list of ways in which you are better off by moving forward as if she is not coming back. You are not going to move forward with your life and then she comes back and you guys are going to be any worse off than before she left
Again, let me emphasize that this will not make the pain go away, but by moving forward you do reduce your experience of that pain. I honestly believe that a big part of the pain is driven by your holding onto the idea that she is coming back. I do not think you gain anything by that to counter the pain.