Satanic Calendar

October 2016
« Apr    


A year ago I stood in a courtroom and unwillingly dissolved my marriage. Johannah was in Reno, Nevada working at the brothel she hated so much. Neither of us where we wanted to be. This is the last entry for this site.

Johannah I’m sorry for all the anger and hurt I’ve caused in our marriage and our divorce. I did not cherish and revere you as I should have. I’m hopeful that one day you’ll come to forgive me.

I forgive you for hurting me.

I still love you but I’ve grieved your loss long enough and I got to be moving on. Be safe. I hope you find that perfect garden that fills your heart with joy.

I’m going to close with this. It was our song. I surprised her and made sure our song played in the limo as she drove to the ceremony. She almost cried, it’s one of my favorite memories of that day.

If I have any advice for you dear reader, find happiness in your loved ones because they won’t always be there.

Goodbye and god bless.


What I do know …

Johannah was a lot of things. Some good. Some bad. But I did love her.

Emotional Landmine

Found this cleaning . . .

U-Haul Lesbian

Question: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Answer: A U-Haul.

Johannah used to tell me this joke all the time. I wonder if the irony has hit her.

Learn more at Wikipedia

“Emotionally Arid Way to Live Your Life”

We were discussing friends I had lost during the divorce and then we went off on a different tangent:

I know that must be hard – I have experienced that on a much smaller scale when I broke up with someone years ago that I’d been with for 2 years. You lose some people. But you’re right – given your secret squirrel tendencies – clean break might be best for you. Try to focus on the good stuff – don’t allow yourself to get to down.

The funny thing is my secret squirrel isn’t interested in her life right now. I can already tell you what that’s like.

  • She’s in the honeymoon phase right now.
  • She’s got all new friends / girlfriend and she’s happy.
  • She probably went to school for a while, but lost interest and stopped going – I suspect the whole school thing was a ruse to get her parents and grandparents to send money.
  • Her new friends are enabling her – and she will fit herself into their lifestyle.
  • She’s doing some kind of “work” either a sugar daddy or dancing with occasional trips to the ranch.
  • I saw in my spam filter on my website she’s joined “living simple” yahoo groups – which is a non-consumerism group – you know the kind of people that split double ply toilet paper and talk about how much money they’re saving. This is what you do when you have nothing any longer,not even the home you saved for.

Really all my secret squirrel wants is closure. And I need to understand I’m not going to get it. But in a perfect world I’d like to know the following:

What was the final stroke?
Had she been cheating the whole time?
Does she regret it?

I think I can help you with the questions:

  1. She doesn’t know. Who ever does? Seriously. Only rarely does an end to a relationship actually hinge on one or even a few things. Ultimately I bet she would be totally unable to answer that question.
  2. No. Especially considering you had an open relationship. I think she abided by the rules that were set for the majority of the relationship.  (The fact she slept with Rabbit alone proves that point.)
  3. I think it makes her sad and she misses things but does not regret it.

1. Makes sense.
2. I actually think she was seeing Fucktard when she wasn’t supposed to. Looking back on my Journal I found notes about them “disappearing” on line when other things that pointed to the fact she was seeing him covertly. It doesn’t really matter I guess.
3. You’re probably right. I wish that truth didn’t hurt so much. I suspect that as time passes she may realize, just as I have, how good we did have it. I figure it’s a matter of time before the people she’s currently using figure her out. D. put it best. Working girls figure out the users quickly.

Thank you for being so loving and patient with me.

I love you too.

You were two damaged people trying to make a go of it. I am one of those too so I understand in a broad (not female, but wide – heh) sense.

Johannah’s particular package of damage made it almost impossible to know her or be truly close to her. She used people more relentlessly than I’ve ever seen another do. And I don’t mean that in a “she’s a cold-hearted no-good b*tch” way. I really don’t. I wonder if she’s even completely aware of how motivated by gain, of one kind or another, she constantly is. It’s a very sad and emotionally arid way to live your life.

You know, she was always goal oriented.

1. she wanted me to be her boyfriend
2. she wanted me to leave Shelley
3. she wanted to get married
4. she wanted to get a home
5 she wanted babies (thank god that didn’t work out)
6. she wanted to retire
7. she wanted a farm

It’s that nature that probably made her good at what she does. _________ said it best. I knew you two. At no time did I ever see you put a gun to her head. If she had ever said I want to stop – and really take any steps to stop – you would have moved the earth so that she would have never worked again. There have been more than a few that suggested she enjoyed the work on a personal basis but then lied about it to save face. C_____ said that when she went to the ranch with her, she was a very different person – very into the sex.

Yes, she is determined about getting what she wants. It’s all she knows how to focus on. That includes being whoever it takes to get that thing/person. Which leaves no there there. Who is she? She doesn’t know. Nobody does. Hopefully she’ll grow and find out. She was v.e.r.y. young even for her age. I mean emotionally. She’s very damaged. So are you but you know it – I don’t think she knows herself at all.


I found this on a website:  A man who is losing his partner will feel out of control of his life.  Anger can be a tool to regain power, punishing with words and deeds the person who seems to be causing the pain.  It is easy to justify such anger.  “She cheated on me, she was always drinking, she was a lousy wife/mother/sister.”  We have all heard these howls from our friends who are separated.  Another way that men use their anger to feel powerful is to punish the departing partner by damaging her reputation, reporting long kept secrets or complaints, attempting to diminish her to her friends, family and community.

I know I wanted her to hurt as much as she had hurt me.  I’m not sure she’s really capable of such emotion.  But in the long run, it was wrong to do and more destructive to me than I’ll care to admit.

Good News Everyone

Well taxes are paid and that sucked. But when I get back to work I find an envelope with my new raise in it. That’s two raises in two years which is good news indeed.

Being single does have its silver lining. I’m saving money for a change, socking away for a rainy day. I got money in my savings. I’ve quit buying crap for the house unless its a perfect addition.

The money from the clothes helped with the taxes so that kept my savings in the bank and I’m making headroom on my modest credit card debt.

Even the house has finally gone up in value, close to what we bought it for.  Hopefully I can wait long enough to get my down payment back.

I put in for a transfer at work. Back to my previous job. If I play my cards right I’ll just sell everything and live out of hotel rooms week to week while saving more cash.

Things are good. Better than I let on sometimes.  I’m starting to lift the cloud of anger and grief. I’m starting to feel better.

Destruction Derby

This divorce has been painful. We have both done things that were unnecessary and hurtful.  I know I have.

I don’t know what the effects of the divorce were on Johannah. I suspect that many of my actions during the past year played into her whole victim theme.  Like she said, I’m a bridge burner from way back and I’ll own that.  Of course this comment comes from a woman that sued me for support and mental cruelty two days after she leaves a note on my pillow telling me the car is at the airport.

It’s fair to say we both burned bridges although I doubt she sees it that way. I digress.

I know that for me, divorce has left me cynical and angry. I have lost cherished friends and family. I’m stuck living in her dream of owning a house, and all the bills that go with it. I’m stuck here in Texas.

There’s a part of me that’s paralyzed. Johannah was my rudder. She was my guiding star. She was the dreamer of the operation.  We both contributed when times were good and times were bad, but her key contribution was her love, kindness and her ability to dream.

I guess I never truly understood the intangibles Johannah brought to our marriage until she was gone. I wonder what her life is like now that she no longer has the skills I bring to the plate.

But the truth of the matter is we’ll both adapt and eventually be ok.

But I’m angry and I need to understand that anger to let it go.

I guess the reason I’m so angry is because I’m afraid; I’m without love and guidance. I’m without my partner and I’m alone.  I’m angry because I was abandoned again. My dad left when I was a kid (he had gotten another woman pregnant) and I’ll be honest when I admit I’ve got serious abandonment issues.

Johannah walked away Scott free from our marriage and started fucking a hooker she had met a few days prior to leaving.  The same woman she’s throwing her panties at today.  She had identified a new person to enable / validate her and she was gone.  Sorry, Sorry, my anger slipped back in.

I continue to grieve. My grief takes many shapes. I’ll be driving down the road and randomly think I miss my wife. I’ll be alone on a Friday night and wish we had saved our marriage.

As Gary used to say, “get to the point asshole”.

She’s gone and not coming back and all the anger in the world isn’t going to change that. So this anger isn’t helping me and I’ve got to let it go.

I’ve got to let the anger and suffering go and get on with my life.

Let me close with Woodja’s words here again:

If you move on with your life–which you seem to have started to do–then what have you actually lost? She appears to be moving on with her life as if she is not coming back, so why shouldn’t you? Make a list of reasons if you need to, but then make a list of ways in which you are better off by moving forward as if she is not coming back. You are not going to move forward with your life and then she comes back and you guys are going to be any worse off than before she left

Again, let me emphasize that this will not make the pain go away, but by moving forward you do reduce your experience of that pain. I honestly believe that a big part of the pain is driven by your holding onto the idea that she is coming back. I do not think you gain anything by that to counter the pain.

My Horoscope Today

Virgo Apr 15 2011
If there’s some event or secret from your past that you cannot move beyond, it’s time to deal with it let it go once and for all. Something is holding you back from contentment and joy. Most likely it is something that you dealt with years ago or months ago, but have not put to rest. You may feel guilt about it, or even a sense of failure, and it is now affecting your capacity for happiness – even though you  may not be making that connection. If there is something on your mind and you can’t reconcile yourself with it, you have already paid the price emotionally. Let it go, and move on.

A year and change later.



Photographs from her garden.