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Epilogue

A year ago I stood in a courtroom and unwillingly dissolved my marriage. Johannah was in Reno, Nevada working at the brothel she hated so much. Neither of us where we wanted to be. This is the last entry for this site.

Johannah I’m sorry for all the anger and hurt I’ve caused in our marriage and our divorce. I did not cherish and revere you as I should have. I’m hopeful that one day you’ll come to forgive me.

I forgive you for hurting me.

I still love you but I’ve grieved your loss long enough and I got to be moving on. Be safe. I hope you find that perfect garden that fills your heart with joy.

I’m going to close with this. It was our song. I surprised her and made sure our song played in the limo as she drove to the ceremony. She almost cried, it’s one of my favorite memories of that day.

If I have any advice for you dear reader, find happiness in your loved ones because they won’t always be there.

Goodbye and god bless.

~Jeff

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

A couple of times in the past few weeks I’ve written to Johannah. I know its folly to do so, but occasionally I write to her. I guess I have abandonment issues.  I write to her because I miss the woman who was my darling wife. The woman who walked away from our marriage.

But I also understand the person she is now is not the woman I married, nor will she ever be that person again. So I’m not sure why I reach out to her even when I know there won’t be a response. 

I guess I’m hoping there is still a small part of her that takes our wedding rings out and holds them in her hands and remembers better days.

I think Hank Williams said it best ” I’m so lonesome I could cry.”

Feeling Melancholy

My buddy and his girlfriend are headed to Garner State Park this weekend.  The last time I was at Garner State Park, I was still with Johannah.  She was still my darling wife.  It was our last trip together.  It was in the middle of the final year we had together.  But we were able to set aside the strife.  We went camping and it was a really nice trip. We weren’t fighting.  We weren’t angry.  We were having a good time.  It showed me, that deep down inside we really did love each other and we could remember why we were married.

Every once in a while I look at those photos.  There’s one of us where she’s kissing me and it brings tears to my eyes.  I wish I could freeze that moment in time.

I envy my buddy getting to go back to Garner with his partner.

Times like this remind me how much I miss the woman who was my wife during the good times.

I never realized how sad the Beatles “Yesterday” is.

1/21/2010 Correspondence

From Correspondence between myself and E.  Things had started to get nasty in the divorce:

Johannah and I used to play Monopoly.  We would always joke that if we allowed the person back into the game if they were out of money or broke it was a mistake; it would always come back to haunt us.

I feel badly that our actions are forcing us to burn any last embers of any good feelings at all.  I guess that’s the nature of divorce.

The worst part the more I defend myself the more it validates her “he’s a controlling b@stard” mentality.  But this is business and I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.

I guess it’s like putting down an animal I loved.  Sometimes it’s your only option.

Reply:

Don’t’ forget that the woman you miss has been gone a very long time.

Insight and an Apology to Johannah

I was watching Orange County Chopper last night and frankly I have no clue why.  The show centers on the destruction of a relationship, in this case father and son.  In last nights episode the focus was on the crew and cast and what it was like during the split of the business and their father / son relationship.  There was a scene, that for me, was pretty poignant.  Paul senior, the father, was looking at a photograph of his son unveiling a new motorcycle.  He started to talk about how fat his son was.  It was just so petty and small.

Then I thought about it.  How different is that from what I’m doing here?

October 2nd, 2008 was the day our relationship died.  No matter how hard I worked, nothing was going to save it.  This site started because I wanted a place to work out what was going on in my life and in my marriage to a woman that I loved dearly.  As the marriage fell apart the site became a place to talk about the pain and anguish I was experiencing.  With divorce the site changed once again.  Now I look at the site and I realize how much of it is focused on bashing her.

This entire process has hurt me very deeply.  I have used this venue to vent when life felt unfair.

I know that Johannah has read this site.  Once I became aware that she was in the audience I turned my attention to her.  Saying things I knew would hurt her.  I wanted her to hurt as she had hurt me.  Truth of the matter is the decisions Johannah made, from leaving without notice, dumping me with all the responsibility and suing me for mental cruelty this past year has been extremely emotionally difficult.  But that does not excuse my behavior here on this site.  For that I’m sorry.  That is not the man that I am or want to be.

Johannah, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry.  I do still lovingly think of the days when you were my wife.  I can still close my eyes and see you standing before me in your wedding gown, slight tears in your eyes as you promised to be my wife in good times and bad.  I will honor and cherish the time that we had together and our many accomplishments by not using this site as a pulpit to talk about your shortcomings that, when I loved you, were so easy to ignore.

I really do wish we had made it.  I really had faith in us.  I suspect that’s why this all hurt so badly.

I do hope that you are able to retire from sex work and that you find your own little farm with the perfect garden.  I hope that your dreams become real.

I hope we both find peace and happiness.

Found at work

image

Breath Play

I just added a conversation between myself and my buddy Joe and Jay Wiseman a leader in the BDSM world. This is from 1/2/2009 when her boyfriend was strangling her during sex play.

Final day of a marriage

Saturday, December 25, 2009
I did not know that Johannah had contacted our counselor Christmas day callously ending our marriage.  Reflecting back, I shouldn’t have been too surprised about her decision, the signs were all there.  She had been texting back and forth and calling Rabbit ever since she had gotten back from Tucson.  It was just like when she was with the UFO, the only difference was Rabbit was the mommy figure that Johannah has been searching for.  Rabbit also offered the required financial support Johannah needed that the UFO could never offer her.

Saturday, December 26, 2009
The next day while hanging out with friends, Johannah announces that she’s going to go on vacation to Miami with Rabbit.

Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday morning we talk her announcement that she’s going to Miami.  I state fact that I haven’t been on vacation and I’m upset she’s spending our mutual monies to go have fun in Miami while she leaves me to pay our bills.  She had also just gone on vacation to Tucson for Christ’s sake.  I’m angry at her selfishness.  She then announces that Rabbit will pay for the trip, like that will make it better.  We discuss that she broke the terms of our agreement to stay monogamous while we were trying to save our marriage.  She defends her actions.

“I haven’t had fun in a year.” She whined.

The past year, I had kissed Johannah’s ass, worked hard to own my mistakes and make them better and yet she continued to treat me like tainted meat.  Her announcing that she hadn’t had fun had hit such a nerve it was crazy.  I had worked so hard and she treated me like shit.  She had spent 2009 lying and cheating and she’s complaining she hadn’t had any fun??

There was an uneasy peace, but I admit I was angry.  I was tired of being treated with no regard.  It had been a long year since I had any intimacy in our bedroom and here she was announcing she’s heading to Miami to go have fun.    I was so angry.  No Christmas gift, betrayal of our marriage, and now she’s going to go off and have fun while I pay the fucking bills?!  Really?

At the heart of it, Johannah is a whore.  So I decided to do what I knew what would appeal to her, I made it a business deal.  In short, I asked her for a “party” (a party is a brothel term for an appointment).  I didn’t care if she was happy or unhappy; I just wanted a party where I could have fun and feel no guilt.  I didn’t care if she faked it; in fact I encouraged it.  I just wanted to feel good for an hour or two.  She readily agreed. 

It was an agreement she understood.  It was old patterns for us; a destructive pattern.  Johannah will agree to something but later be angry about it.  She did it with me, the UFO and I’m sure she’ll do it with all her future relationships.  In counseling, she claims that she did it because she felt pressure from me, but I watched her do it and resenting it in her “healthy” relationship with the UFO.  There were many times she did things for him she later regretted. 

Once, prior to all this, during a heated argument, Johannah was taking her usual tact that her occupation and all the unhappy choices she had made in her life were my responsibility.  I responded, “Don’t blame me for your choices, and don’t blame me if you’re weak.  You could have said no at any time.  You made your own choices.”  This made her angrier than I had ever seen her in our relationship.  But in hindsight, I suspect that’s just her pattern, blaming others for her choices.  Somewhere, Johannah discovered it was easier to be a victim than take ownership.  Johannah had learned early as a child that if she did what she was asked, she got the love and attention she wanted, even if that meant she did something she would regret later on.  Don’t’ get me wrong.  There are certainly things I did that were wrong in our relationship, but the bottom line is – you control what you do or don’t do.  No one else. 

But I digress.  We then made the second classic mistake of our relationship.  We mixed alcohol and her Clonzaepam.  Side effects of Clonzaepam/Klonopin may include: Irritability, aggression, Loss of libido, Psychosis, Serious psychological and psychiatric side-effects, Personality changes, Behavioral disturbances, drinking alcohol while taking Klonopin may increase your risk for serious reactions and side effects. Therefore, it is generally not recommended to drink alcohol while taking Klonopin. Additionally, it is usually recommended that people who have mental illnesses avoid alcohol.  If that sounds ok with you than consult your doctor about Clonzaepam!  All kidding aside, that’s the first time I’ve actually read what the hell that shit can do to you and it really does explain a lot.  I asked her about the side effects of the drugs that quack doctor put her on but  she never told me about these possible side effects and that she should have not been drinking and taking that crap. 

Oh well.  Water under the bridge.

She then dresses up like the whore I want her to be and we proceed to act out a scene worthy of Blue Velvet.  I’m not proud of it, but I took a year’s worth of anger and frustration out on the whore.  I f’d like an animal.  I went for hours.  I had fun.

Eventually, she wanted a break. We went to the kitchen to get water and she announced I couldn’t just pound away at her all night.  I asked if I could finish and she became angry.  She then decided to sleep in the guest room.  We stood in the doorway and argued.  She looked so angry.  She was a hooker who was angry that the party went too long for the pay she was getting.  She had this look on her face that I hadn’t seen before.  I looked at her and told her to hit me.  I wanted her to hit me.  I wanted her to get her anger out and see if that would make her feel better (after all she had already assaulted me with a cup earlier in the year).  I yelled at her to hit me.  She didn’t.  She closed the door and I went into our bedroom alone.  I then heard her call the police.

I got dressed and went outside and waited for the police.  I had never had the cops called on me because of an argument with a significant other.  I wasn’t angry; I was really surprised she had called the cops.  I was cordial with the police.  Eventually the male cop and I were commiserating about the whole thing.  I told him about her affair and the past year of pain and hurt.  He had seen it before and had gone through it himself.  The other cop inside talked to Johannah inside the house and when she came out they told me that Johannah had regretted calling the police that it was a “mistake”.  The cop asked me as a favor to him to call a friend and get out for the night.  I had no clue that would be the last night I would see my wife.

She ordered a plane ticket and the next morning she left to start her new life with Rabbit.

Childs letter to counselor revisited . . .

The thing that really gets me about this letter is that she takes absolutely no ownership of her own contribution to our marriage troubles. Not one place.

Hi _________,

Sorry to write on Christmas [who the fuck writes on Christmas telling your counselor you're going to end your marriage?], but hopefully you are checking your work e-mail during the holidays, any way.

I think I’m done.  I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life “working on it”.  I just got home from 10 days in Arizona.  I stayed with a friend, met new people [She leaves out that she had an affair that violated our agreement to be monogamous until we had resolved our marriage difficulties], had fun [Oh there.  She did mention the affair.  Of course you had fun, you were on fucking vacation - speaking of vacations I hadn't been away in two fucking years.], worked some [She worked very little actually, Kitty had sold that she would make a lot of money, but she only made around $600 if she's to be believed.  For some reason Johannah was not a "hobbiest" hooker.  She rarely made money from the guys that like to go to prostitutes.], but not as much as I thought I was going to.  Being away (and not at a brothel working to exhaustion) [OK so going to the brothel was the fault of our relationship?  Then why do you still go to the fucking brothel?!  Perhaps because you're a lazy cunt?] made me realize how much of my energy is constantly in use trying to keep this marriage on an even keel.  Having some of that energy freed up, even a little bit for a little while, felt really good.  [That's awesome.  Ok a few thoughts here.  She only went to the brothel a few times each year.  2009 I think she went three times for around 2 weeks each.  The rest of her time was spent doing nothing but tending her gardens, obsessively web surfing and making dinners.  I'm really sorry that marriage is work sometimes; I know that conflicts with your fucking fantasy.] Now that I’m home I’m back in my cloud of anxiety and stress [And a haze of alcohol, Wellbutren, Lexapro and Clonzaepam] .  Half of what comes out of his mouth is a subtle criticism, a passive aggressive complaint, or frustration and grumpiness about stuff that has nothing to do with me [Imagine that.  Your husband would be upset you disappeared for 30 hours and when you resurfaced you announce that you've had an affair.] but I get punished for anyway.  [We didn't argue Christmas morning, but I did tell her my feelings were hurt because she hadn't bought me a christmas gift.  For Christmas she bought with my own money, a tiki mug and a $50 dollar dinner for her and a friend] I feel like I’m always waiting for the next shoe to drop.  I’ll have a heart attack at 35 if I continue to live with such stress and anxiety [Jesus Christ, get off the cross Mary, we need the fucking wood].

I don’t know what to do next.  I just really think I’m at the end of my rope.  This is no way to live.  I just keep thinking “I could be so much happier.”  I don’t want to make the mistake of thinking that if I leave him all my problems will go away [Good point, for example you're still going to the fucking brothel you lazy cunt.  Whose fault is it now?] and I’ll live happily ever after [How's that working out for you?   You're 30 and still working at the brothels you hate so much.], but when I’m not around him I’m a lot more relaxed and have more fun.

I’d really like to hear your real opinion about this.  I know that our relationship is your client (even though I pay the bill ;) ) but I really want to know what you think.  [This last line is just so fucking shitty.  I pay the bill, so I expect special treatment.] Thanks.

“You’ve been blinded by your feelings for her. She is not a smart woman.”

Cleaning out my correspondence . . . 11/22/2010 correspondence back and forth between me and a buddy …

HIM:  If you had to guess, who do you think is going to help her? If she is taking the dogs, I would think she is driving back, but that’s not a trivial trip.

Her Mom, Dad, one of the girls from Tucson?

ME:  Given that I can’t communicate with her family – she wouldn’t want anything to slip out or accidentally be seen so it won’t be her family.

She’s asked for a sofa and some pretty sizable furniture so I suspect she’s got a van of some sort and Johannah, god bless her used to get lost around here in Houston. An adult has to come with her to get her stuff.

Guessing, I think it will be Kitty the woman she’s living with. She’s the only one with enough money to throw around to do this. Could be Rabbit, she may make pretty good money too but it would be foolish to bring your lover to this mess.  [Turned out it was her mother, who was more than happy to come so she could take back the things she had given us.  Nan was a cunt, never really was supportive of our marriage because I wouldn't put up with her stupid hippy shit.  Rabbit showed up in Houston too, we figure, based on the fact they wouldn't let us put things in the back passenger seat.  Here's an accounting of that day.]

They don’t realize that they’re being taken in by a con artist. I don’t envy those around her.

HIM: She is a con artist, but not a conniving one. She just is one. She will never have a true relationship until she stops that crap.

And, I would assume she will need someone able to lift that crap, so good luck with that, since you aren’t going to help her.

ME: I agree. I think this is going to be her pattern as long as she’s alive. I wonder how much longer before she resurfaces in her chosen profession. She’ll need to make a Ranch Trip sooner than later. [My lawyer, who was fascinated by this entire thing, informed me Johannah made several trips to the ranch in Reno and worked locally as a prostitute as well through 2010. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against prostitution, but if you had heard her talk about how horrible it was in counseling you think the lazy cunt would have gotten a job at Starbucks or Taco Bell by now. Just saying.  I guess she wanted to see if Johannah was going to change  her life.]

Are you kidding – I will be more than happy to get her crap out of the house within the four hours. I think it would be a hell of a statement to help her get the f’ out of MY house. OK don’t let the door hit you.

I doubt she’ll ask.

HIM: It’s sad, because there were good qualities to her. Overall, it’s probably not a huge surprise that I have never been a big fan, and I can openly say that now. I never trusted her, as far as I felt she was always on the take. It wasn’t like I didn’t trust her as far as I thought she was a thief, I just always got the feeling she was in it for her and everyone else could suck and egg. I just didn’t get a good vibe in that regard. She was a fun person, was good with animals and good make an effort if pressed. It was just too few and far between. If I had to guess, I would say she wasn’t a big fan of me either, at least, I always felt that way.

I also didn’t like the hoops you were made to jump through or there was no peace in the house.

Mainly though, it was just clear that she was a little too quick to take.

Go find someone with a real head on their shoulders and at least a sprinkling of sanity. You’ve been blinded by your feelings for her. She is not a smart woman.

ME: I think that you and I had the same issue with her. She seemed to think that because of the work she chose to do she should get special compensation. I think her sense of entitlement really rubbed us both really the wrong way, because I was always on the road while she sat around the house and you of course worked more hours than humanly possible at your job.

It’s my perception that Johannah as a whole was very distant. I can’t really name a “close” friend that she has. In hindsight we were never that close. Our relationship started very physically. Once that went away we were just friends who lived together.

Yes she had her good qualities, but they were far outweighed by her selfishness and resentment when she had to put in effort.